Pieces of Ashlee: Did Ashlee Simpson take a wrong turn on her way to meet Twiggy in swinging '60s London and end up Down Under? The skinny-legged singer is an aquamarine mishmash as she hits the MTV Australia Video Music Awards in a far-more-flawed-than-mod minidress seemingly stitched together using Goldie Hawn's psychedelic getups from "Laugh-In," Dorothy Hamill's old skating outfits and a few crepe paper streamers left over from St. Patrick's Day. The result is a Franken-frock so frightening even Molly Ringwald's patchwork "Pretty in Pink" alter ego would say, "Honey, just buy something brand new." Adding to the warbler's woes is her equally cobbled-together, Jessica-like coif, which appears to be crammed with every single shade of blond extension available from her big sister's new faux tress collection.
Blanket Statement: We've all had those days when we've looked in the mirror and had a tough time coming up with anything good to say about ourselves. Judging by the glum look on Cynthia Nixon's face and the figure-obliterating outfit she's chosen, she's had just such a standoff with her reflection, casting a critical eye over her countenance and deeming only her left shoulder and clavicle sexy enough to show off in public. What's a down-in-the-dumps girl to do? Hide, of course, which the former "Sex and the City" star does by draping her perceived flaws beneath an asymmetrical atrocity she created by throwing on a Christmastime tablecloth -- with an attention-deflecting stainlike floral embroidery over the expanse where her cleavage should be -- and a gender-neutral baby blanket (the diaper bag in her hand is a nice touch).
When Accessories Attack: Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson adore fashion. The former is positively dying to front a couture campaign, while the latter has her very own clothing line (even if she is facing a pesky $100 million lawsuit over it). Which begs the question: What the heck are they doing in public accessorized like this? On the left, Lohan steps out in a fuzzy feline-esque topper that is either a subtle ironic statement about her supposed catfight with Jessica, or a sign that she's taken her "Ann-Margret sex kitten" obsession a little too far. Simpson, meanwhile, has apparently never heard Coco Chanel's adage about how one should "always remove, never add" before going out, as she achieves accoutrement overload with a headband, necklace, bracelets, watch and rings (all available soon, we're guessing, on QVC). And while she does end up taking a cue from a famous woman with the initials CC, it's unfortunately seminal dizzy blond Carol Channing, who no doubt would appreciate the speedy return of her ginormous grandma glasses.
The Procrastination of Mimi: As the years go by, it's becoming increasingly apparent that Mariah Carey has no real interest in changing up her style. Cleavage-revealing, Saran Wrap-inspired sartorial statements have worked for her in the past, so why shouldn't they work for her in the future, right? Wrong. Look, we're not about to tell the high-maintenance mega-star that tighter-than-tight togs are best left to the teen and 20-something set (if even them). But with the success of "The Emancipation of Mimi," not to mention her newly slimmed-down figure (although we always liked her curves), there's no better time for Mariah to undergo a movie-style makeover to become a more sophisticated -- or at least less tacky -- version of herself. For starters, we suggest she stop trying to squeeze into Dakota Fanning's hand-me-down jeans. And maybe lose a necklace or five. And while we're happy the chanteuse has finally found the right amount of cross-your-heart support for her famously big lungs, we really don't need to know exactly which secret of Victoria's she's privy to.
Never Say Good Bai: Yeah, yeah, we know. Making fun of Bai Ling's fashion choices is about as challenging as shooting really tarty fish in a barrel. And we promise, if the day should ever come when the potshots stop being fun, we'll quit cold turkey. Really. But for now, the sometime actress and full-time photo opportunist steps out in a poufy, doofy scarlet dress that's a little Moulin Rouge (well, at least the curtains from the Moulin Rouge), a wee bit Transylvanian prom and a whole lot cathouse from the Old West, a time when repulsive, ruffled pleather was apparently as plentiful as gold.
Pretty Dowdy Woman: We know things have been super-busy for Julia Roberts, what with twins Hazel and Phinnaeus on the cusp of their terrible two's and her big Broadway debut in "Three Days of Rain" and all. But come on, does dressing up in a fetching frock and flattering footwear really require a whole lot more effort than dressing way, way down in a tired trenchcoat, ill-fitting, too-short jeans and shoes from Dr. Scholl's active octogenarian orthopedic line? While some might view the Oscar winner's no-muss, no-fuss approach to fashion as refreshing, especially given the many couture-obsessed starlets out there, they're probably not the ones lined up outside the theater after Roberts' performance, hoping against hope to catch a glimpse of a glamorous Hollywood star. For the sake of her devoted fans, Julie should ditch the dowdy duds, hire a stylist who gets her free-spirited sense of style and -- we know this is asking a lot -- flash that trademark mile-wide smile every now and then.
The Last Days of Disco: Quiz time, people. Is this a) Julianne Moore posing for a grade-school photo circa 1977; b) a soon-to-be-unemployed "That '70s Show" extra slyly trying to make off with Wilmer Valderrama's Fez duds (hello eBay); or c) Lauren Ambrose celebrating the opening of her new Broadway play? If you guessed "C," you're likely as depressed as we are. While we're no fans of the suddenly ubiquitous (and almost universally unflattering on anyone over a Size 6) skinny jean, that doesn't mean we're pulling for high-waisted bellbottoms to make a comeback. Alas, the redheaded cutie-pie manages to make her disastrous disco denim even worse by unwisely tucking in her unsexy striped shirt, giving her the look of someone attempting to smuggle a glitter ball out of Studio 54.
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